How to Give Honest Musical Feedback to Singers Who Are Neurodivergent or Experiencing a Mental Health Problem

27/9/2025

One of the hardest parts of being a choir leader isn’t the repertoire, the admin, or even the fundraising. It’s those delicate, heart-in-your-mouth conversations where you know you need to address a musical issue with a singer, but you’re worried about how it might land.

Perhaps someone is consistently too loud, throwing off the balance. Or maybe their pitching is unstable, and it’s starting to affect the section. You notice it, the choir notices it, and yet, the singer is clearly having a wonderful time. To complicate matters further, they may be neurodivergent, or they might be struggling with their mental health. You believe your “regular” way of offering feedback could easily cause shame, shutdown, or rupture.

So, what do you do? Ignore it, and risk the choir’s sound (and the frustration of other members)? Or speak up, and risk causing upset or harm?

The truth is: we need a third option. One where you, as choir leader, can have musically-honest conversations, and give constructive feedback, in a way that is clear, kind, boundaried, trauma-aware, and inclusive. Conversations that preserve group safety, while still honouring - and respecting - individual needs.

Here's how.

Step One: Start with Yourself

Before you even open your mouth, check in with yourself. Ask:

Am I regulated, calm, and clear?
Am I focused on the music, not on the person?
Am I giving this feedback because it serves the choir’s musical development, not because I’m frustrated or embarrassed?

When you take a minute to breathe and ground yourself first, you prevent your feedback from coming out in a blunt, reactive or shaming way.

Step Two: Clarity is Kindness

It’s tempting to avoid feedback altogether, especially when we know someone is vulnerable. You sort of hope that it’ll sort itself out. But your silence isn’t kind – and it’s definitely not productive. If you avoid saying anything, the issue doesn’t go away, it often gets worse. And the longer you leave it, the harder it is to bring up.

Clarity, when delivered with care and sensitivity, is actually safer than vagueness. It communicates I value you enough to be honest with you.

You might start a conversation like this after rehearsal:

“Can we have a quick chat about something musical I noticed in today’s session?”
“I want to share something musical with you that I think could help you grow as a singer.”

Notice the phrasing: the focus is firmly on the music, not on the person.

Step Three: Build in Consent

For many neurodivergent singers, consent is vital to trust. Feedback can feel invasive if it comes out of the blue. You can soften that by asking permission first:

“Would it be OK if I gave you a couple of notes on that last section?”

If they say no, that’s not the end of the road. You can gently respond:

“That’s totally fine. Just let me know when you’d be open to it, because it’s about the sound we’re building together as a team.”

This way, you’ve communicated that feedback is a normal, expected part of choir, and that you do need to have a conversation at some point - but you’ve also respected their autonomy.

Step Four: Use the Proper Musical Language

When you do give feedback, begin with something they’re doing well. Not as a “sandwich technique” gimmick, but as a genuine recognition of their contribution.

“You bring such high energy to that section - it really lifts the sound. I think if we tweak the vowel shape, it’ll blend even better with the group.”

Keep the language technical and musical, rather than personal. Don’t be vague – they can’t guess what you’re going to say (or they would probably have already corrected it!).

✅ Do say: “The pitch is sitting slightly high - can we practise singing it together?”
❌ Don’t say: “You’re singing out of tune again.”

One emphasises the sound, the other emphasises the person. That distinction makes all the difference and removes some of the perceived “blame”.

Step Five: Collaborate on the Solution

Feedback shouldn’t feel like an absolute. Invite the singer into problem-solving:

“Would you be up for trying it with the piano next time?”
“Shall we ask your section leader to run through it with you?”
“What can I do to help?”

This creates a sense of teamwork, not correction (after all, a choir is a team).

Step Six: Be Sure to Follow Up (Gently)

After the conversation, make sure to check in:

“Does that make sense? How are you feeling about that?”

Allow time for your singer to process what you told them, and to make the necessary adjustments. And in future rehearsals, if you notice they’ve improved at something, make sure you acknowledge it. That positive reinforcement is essential for motivation and trust.

Considerations for Neurodivergent Singers

Neurodivergence is definitely not a one-size-fits-all, but here are some factors to take into consideration:

Executive function: Taking onboard your feedback may require repetition. Don’t frame this as laziness - assume it’s part of how the brain works.
Communication Styles: Neurodivergent singers experience the world differently and you will need to adapt your communication style to the individual and the situation. If you’re not sure what works for them – just ask!
Sensory processing: If rehearsal has been loud or overstimulating, timing your feedback matters. A chat in a calm moment may be better than in the middle of all the noise. Why not ask your singer to pick the time and place? (there's that autonomy again!)
Masking fatigue: Some singers may appear “fine” but are using huge amounts of energy to blend in. Perfectionism can be a protective strategy, so tread lightly.

Top tip: let the whole choir know from the start that feedback is part of the culture. That way, no one feels singled out when it happens.

Considerations for Singers Experiencing or Living with Mental Health Problems

It’s impossible to always know who is struggling mentally, especially if they have not shared a history with you, but there are many signs that someone is having a particularly bad day or time (look for body language and other non-verbal cues). Do not assume that the person you are speaking to is fragile - people who live with mental health problems are often very resilient and resourceful. After all, we’ve had to be.

As someone who has PTSD and severe anxiety, the worst thing you could say to me is, “Can we meet later to talk about something?” This gives me no sense of what the conversation will contain – is it good or bad? Am I in trouble? My anxiety will always go straight to the worst-case scenario. Make sure to be specific about the issue so as not to leave an anxious singer panicking. “Can we meet after practice so that I can give you a few helpful suggestions about holding the harmony in verse two?” is much clearer and I can breathe a sigh of relief.

Be mindful of:

Tone: Keep your voice neutral. Over-warmth can feel condescending, while too much seriousness can feel threatening.
Boundaries: Offer support, but don’t blur roles. You are their choir leader, not their therapist. Have a listen to: Choir isn’t Therapy (But you can find Therapy in Choir).
Follow-up: If the issue resurfaces, repeat the feedback calmly without layering on any frustration. Consistency and steadiness feel safe.

Alternatives to 1:1 Conversations

Sometimes you may decide a private conversation isn’t the best option, or you might want to try something else first. Here are a few alternatives:

Group reminders: “Altos, let’s all double-check our tuning here”, followed by praise when the whole section gets it right.
Section leader support: Ask a section leader to guide vowel shaping or dynamics - it feels less personal and more collaborative. And if you get the entire room doing it, not even one section feels singled out.
Collective feedback summaries: “Here are three things we’re all working on this week.” That way, everyone takes ownership and goes off with a task.

The Big Picture: Leading with Care

At the end of the day, your job is to guide the music. That means addressing musical issues when they arise. But how you do it matters just as much as what you do and say.

When you approach feedback with clarity, compassion, and collaboration, you model a culture where honesty and safety can coexist. You show that a choir can be both a space of belonging and a space of growth and improvement.

And here’s the truth: most singers want to grow. They want to become better singers and they want the choir to improve with it. They want to be part of the collective win. Your courage to hold those conversations, without shame, argument or causing a rift, is a gift not just to them, but to the whole choir.

So, the next time you find yourself hesitating, hoping it’ll all go away, remember: feedback isn’t about fault or rejection. It’s an invitation to richer, more-fulfilling music-making, together.

Blog