“You Mean Well, But…”: 5 Common Choir Habits That Might Be Triggering Your Neurodivergent Singers (and What to Do Instead)

Community choirs are often built with the best intentions: warmth, connection, and belonging. But for neurodivergent singers - including those with autism, ADHD, sensory processing differences, and social anxiety - some of the most common "welcoming" behaviours can actually create the opposite effect.

In fact, the things we think are inclusive can feel overwhelming, confusing, or even distressing for neurodivergent participants. The good news? With a few small shifts, your choir can become a genuinely safer, more accessible space for all kinds of minds - without losing its joy and community spirit.

Let’s look at five well-meaning habits that could be doing more harm than good, and how you can adapt them with every singer in mind.

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1. Your Room Layout Is Loud, Bright and Busy - and It’s Frying Their Nervous System

Think of the sensory environment in your rehearsal room. Is it:

• Large, echoey or acoustically harsh?
• Fluorescently lit or visually cluttered?
• Filled with people chatting, scraping chairs, unpacking sheet music, knocking over water bottles?

For a neurodivergent singer with sensory sensitivities, that can feel like being dropped into the middle of a nightclub with no warning. Overhead lights might feel too intense. Echo or background chatter may make it hard to process your voice or instructions. Even smells (perfume, coffee, food) can be overwhelming.

What to try instead:

• Create a low-sensory arrival area - a quiet corner or row with minimal noise and visual input, or a place to unwind with a cup of tea.
• Use soft, warm lighting if possible, or allow sunglasses and ear defenders.
• Share a sensory map of the venue in advance so singers know what to expect.  Make it clear that fidget toys and other regulators are welcome.
• Reduce pre-rehearsal chaos - maybe you designate a 'quiet arrival' window before the bulk of singers.

​Small changes in the room's sensory design can massively increase access and ease.

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2. You’re So Friendly It’s Terrifying

Warmth is great. Enthusiasm is wonderful. But for a neurodivergent newcomer, an over-the-top welcome, complete with cheers, or a crowd of "greeters", can feel like being thrown into the deep end with no life jacket.
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Some singers may find strong eye contact, hugs, or your come-and-meet-everyone energy genuinely threatening to their nervous system. Others may need time to quietly observe and adjust before engaging socially.

What to try instead:

• Allow new members to arrive quietly and settle at their own pace.
• Give them the option to opt out of public welcomes or introductions.
• Let your welcome be kind and calm: a smile, a handout, a clear plan.
• Offer a “soft start” (e.g. joining one rehearsal to observe before committing).

​“Friendly” doesn’t have to mean full-volume; safety comes from predictability, not pressure.

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3. You Change Things Up Constantly to "Keep It Fun" - but They're Clinging On for Dear Life
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Spontaneity can be exciting, but for neurodivergent brains, sudden changes or lack of routine can be disorienting, anxiety-inducing, and deeply dysregulating.

If you:

• Switch warm-up formats weekly,
• Change your seating or room layout mid-rehearsal,
• Introduce new repertoire without warning,
• Regularly deviate from your published plan,

…you may be unintentionally leaving some singers in a state of stress.

What to try instead:

• Share the rehearsal plan in advance - even just a rough outline.
• Stick to a consistent structure week-to-week, including where people sit or how you start.
• Give a heads-up when changes are coming (e.g. “Next week we’ll be in a new room”).
• Build in time for transition - don’t jump from warm-up to full-voiced chorus at lightning speed.

​Predictability is not boring, it’s grounding. And grounded singers learn, sing and participate more fully.

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4. You’re Publicly Praising or Calling Out New Singers - and it Puts Them Squarely on the Spot

You’ve just had three new members join. You want them to feel seen and celebrated. So you say, “Let’s give a big round of applause for our new members!” Then maybe, to show how welcoming you are, you ask them where they heard about the choir or what voice part they sing.

For some neurodivergent people, this is a nightmare. Being put on the spot can trigger panic responses, dissociation, or shame. Even positive attention, if unexpected or public, can feel unbearable.

What to try instead:

• Ask on sign-up whether they’d like to be introduced or remain anonymous.
• Let new singers opt in to things like “buddy systems” or welcome rounds.
• Offer a discreet way to connect later (e.g. a social WhatsApp group, not live announcements).
• A simple private message after rehearsal saying “Lovely to meet you, let me know if you have any questions” goes a long way.

​Belonging doesn’t require a spotlight. Often, the safest welcome is a quiet one.

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5. You’re Trying to Get Everyone Talking, but Conversation Isn’t Connection for Everyone

“Let’s get into pairs!”
“Turn to the person next to you and share…”
“Take five minutes to get to know someone new!”

While these icebreakers are meant to foster community (and build a better choir), they can feel like huge pressure for people who struggle with social interaction, face processing, or small talk.

Encouraging people to talk can unintentionally exclude those with selective mutism, anxiety, or processing differences, especially when it’s framed as compulsory or happens without warning.
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What to try instead:

• Make all social interaction optional and consent-based (remember to say before you start!).
• Offer alternatives to talking: a visual check-in, a shared warm-up task, or a written response.
• Allow people to participate by observing, listening, or joining in silently.
• Instead of icebreakers, try structured activities where the social pressure is lower (like singing in a round, or mirroring physical gestures).

​Social interaction is not the only form of connection, and it’s not accessible to everyone in the same way.

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Final Thoughts: Inclusion Is in the Details

Most of the habits above come from good intentions: you want people to feel welcome, included, and connected. But when you start to recognise that “friendly” isn’t one-size-fits-all, you open the door to deeper, truer inclusion.
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If your choir wants to be a genuinely safe space for neurodivergent singers, it starts with curiosity, flexibility, and the willingness to question what’s “normal.” You don’t need to overhaul your entire culture, you just need to slow down, ask better questions, and make room for difference.

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Want more advice like this?

Download my Mentally-Healthy Choirs Toolkit — a practical, powerful guide designed for choir leaders who want to make their spaces safer, more inclusive, and mental-health informed.

The toolkit includes:

•  A Mental Health & Inclusion Self-Audit for your choir
•  Post-performance care plans for singers and leaders
•  Guidance on how to spot over-reliance on choir as therapy
•  Templates for setting boundaries and communicating support clearly
•  Voice + nervous system insights to help reduce burnout and overwhelm
•  Plus: Scripts, prompts and reflections to help you lead with confidence and care

Whether you’re just getting started or looking to deepen your practice, this toolkit is packed with insights you can use straight away.
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Bonus: It pairs beautifully with my podcast episode: "What does Inclusion mean in Choir?"  Download it now and take the next step toward building a choir that truly supports every voice.